Seriously?

I don't know what to write about anymore, I sit here trying to make a new blog only to not write a damned thing. I could tell you all how nutso my family is, I could tell you about all my problems I could tell you what I want, need, wish I had etc... But damned if that don't sound boring. I need direction, I need a place to go with this stuff, I can't just belt out some amazing artwork! Well, I probably could but I need suggestions to give me ideas that lead to revelations of new beginnings  and intellectual insight! I need to write better...

I know I can voice an opinion, I can say anything about anything, but to myself I lack conviction, I lack any urge to put forth the words I need to express what I am feeling. Someone told me to get a thesaurus, I don't want to substitute one word for another, what I need is an ego stroking. And I think I said it before, suggestions, Ideas... Give me a topic you want to hear my opinions about, I don't care what it is as long as you don't care what I speak my mind about. 

So give it to me, I know at least 2 people are reading this haha! I don't know, do I need that though? I can find topics, and I've been told by a few folks that I could write a column, but is that what I want? I have noticed that, even now at 32 years old, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I know I don't want to be a creepy internet stalker (you know who you are), I don't want to live the way I am, but I doubt myself far too much. Sad part about that is I clearly see it, and know it, yet somehow cannot fight it. Has to be a form of insanity, something I notice more and more that runs in half of this families blood. 

I will have to think about this though, of course don't be afraid to comment what you think, I'm open to opinions, and suggestions, but if your the aforementioned stalker creep, piss off. Oh, and if you don't know what I'm referring too read last post haha. Some people... As always though I write whats on my mind at the time. I continue to fight forward, doing what it takes to get to the next step, even if it takes 30 steps to get there. 

Just remember, speak your mind, stand up for what you believe in even if it's simply the freedom to speak your mind. I despise conformity, labeling a culture. Racist? I'm not racist I hate you all equally and just as much as the last guy. Gay is a label, prep is a label, Goth is a label; why can I not simply be me? Why do people strive to become what society shows us is normal? I don't know about any of you but I was born unique I live as a unique character  and I will die unchanging and unique. Hate me for it, that's your prerogative. Love you guys, have a merry X-Mas, and I will probably write about how boring and uneventful my holidays are on New Years :) I know, your all overjoyed!

Follow the path of the unsafe, independent thinker. Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less the label of 'crackpot' than the stigma of conformity. And on issues that seem important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost. Chauncey Depew

 Man is capable of as much atrocities as he has imagination. 

All I want for x-mas...

I'ma lay it all out there for ya guys. 

  

Lemme start by saying I am the unwanted one, the black sheep. I can guarantee there is not a single member in my immediate family that gives a damn about me. Aunts and uncles? Maybe one or two there. We don't do family gatherings without a war breaking out, there is too much back talking back stabbing and hate in this family directed at each other over jealousy, ignorance, or someone thinking they are better than the other. It even followed me here.  
  

If I could erase myself from the world I would do it in a heart beat.  
  
Anyway, some years ago my sister came up with a plot that had one goal in mind, loose custody of her kids, and revenge. I was the target. The end result was 4 years in prison, 12 years of hell (started in 1999), and job hunting made so much harder. Since then I have worked a few under the table jobs, but nothing I could physically handle for long. I threatened to sue my school for discrimination only to realize I can't. The guy there still helped me out, he died 2 years later in an accident, in the end this past got me out of that job as well. That was 2 years+ ago.  
  
I'm not getting into details, but feel free to ask in a PM, maybe i'll tell ya maybe I won't, the details don't really matter, point is I'm not afraid of it, and I don't hide from it.  
  
Now though, it's just being broke, living somewhere I am hated and not wanted, lack of any kind of income other than plasma donations to eat food, and no car. I got my license for the first time when I was 29, i'm 32 now and have had 4 cars blow up/die on me. It took me all those years to get my license due to a fear of cars. Too many accidents with my drunk of a dad. I fought it though, got over it, and passed my test with a 95% (stupid self turned into the far right in a 4 lane road....derpa). Anyway, I just love when people claim I don't try. I had more interviews in Oklahoma in the few months I was there than I have had in the 2  years here in Ohio. 
  
It's all a hurdle though. I can break past that. I sell my stuff for that extra something. Material things are replaceable. The one thing I want every year isn't a material item. The one thing I want is a family. One with values, one that just sucks it up when they have an issue, even if for that one day. There is no perfect family, I don't believe in perfection. But, there is something way better than this. 

So sue me...

OK, OK,  I am a slacker. It's been what a day or two (LIES!!) since my last post? Yeah I know it's been more and I apologize for that, but life is what it is. And right now it is back in Ohio. I can't say that I am happy to be back, the headache has already returned, it's cold, and...well it's Ohio. I must say I did miss my Abby. And I think she is the only Ohioan that missed me.

Nothing here has changed, I don't think I expected it to either, hell I was only gone 2 or so months. I have no regrets though. Ralph was an awesome host, and probably the coolest guy I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Great cook too! Ralph I want to apologize if at anytime I annoyed you or something, because if I did when I was there you didn't point it out. Also, your not an a-hole. Far from it pal. You take care of Boots, and maybe some day in the future we will meet again.

Now, what's next? Obviously the job hunt must resume, I need a real computer, and I have to finish school. The job hunt is easy, if I can find jobs in my skill range to do. Getting a computer required I have a job, and if I finish school I want to do it on my dime. I have too many student loans as it is. I also need to figure out why, or how all of my previous photos vanished from the blog...hmm. Oh well that can be saved for another day I guess.

That's it for now though, still resettling in here. I dread it so much that it's proving to be a slow, and trying process. Someone pray for me haha.

Let me keep this short....

Today I want some feedback. This means I want you...Yeah, you, right there, guy who's reading this! I want your opinions. What could be changed, how is my writing style, am I too depressing, what. Anything you want to nit pick at. Unless it's bogus, then I will just send Achmed after you... No holds barred guys, I can take it, trust me I'm harder on myself than you plebs could be haha.

Anyway, I sold bingo cards at the fair in this tiny town. Tiny fair too. It's seriously just the smallest little thing, you just want to pinch it's chubby little cheeks! The bingo thing was fun, volunteered for that through the cotton gin, so 7 other of our workers were there, peddling out bingo cards for quarters. Of course every game was a winner but I think we were pretty much done after only a few games. We all had sore feet from work, bingo work did not help.

Anyway this is a short and sweet blog. I just really want to get the opinion of you 3...or 4, however many of you are there. So let her rip. Also, I apologize ahead of time if I don't get one out daily. My posting will be sporadic, but if I go more than 3 days, give me a nudge, or hit me with a hammer, whatever floats your boats. Now, look at the pretty pictures and then tell me how terrible I am.

I need this....Like now.

Mt. Scott

OK, so I'm working in this cotton gin and so far I'm loving it. The co-workers are an eclectic bunch of misfits, and I fit in well, I think. There is still next to no work to be done since the harvest has yet to begin however. No cotton in, no working butt off. It's actually bothering me a little, I'm not working my 14 hour days, and I'm not even looking forward to that! What the heck is wrong with me? haha. No, soon it will kick off and once it does chaos will ramp up and I just hope I will be able to keep up! Balls to the wall and all...

Life is a beach

Just in case though I have had two interviews for the Home Depot. I would like to keep my options open. It is a full time position wherein I would be the tool rental technician. Renting tools, how hard is that? I can fix a number of them too, I've fixed floor sanders/buffers, drills, saws, a few small engines (lawnmowers etc.) so I do have the experience, just not documented. It's $9.00/hr, which beats $7.50, schedule is wide open, and it's full time, so I am getting 40 hours a week no matter what. Sure that's not $1,200 in two weeks at 7.50 an hour x14 hours x7 days a  week, and I like that. It's less work, more time at home even if it is slightly less cash.

First and only pro game I ever seen

I am liking this idea since I doubt I will be hired full time at the gin. The Home Depot would be a much more secure working position that I can rely on. Heck I could even get assistance in the housing part of things from them. In case either plan goes on I have been looking for housing options both here and in Lawton where the Home Depot is located. My ONE issue at this point in time is a vehicle. I don't have one except what I am being allowed to drive. It's not my car, and I'm not taking it with me obviously. I would be more than happy to buy it though.

Hmm. I have never had so  much opportunity. In Ohio I could put in 30 applications and not hear a single thing back. Here I have had interviews for 3 (technically 4) separate jobs in just under a month! I am working at one of the jobs but I do tire of this small town life. It is peaceful, relaxing, and quiet, but in order to do...anything you have to travel over 6 miles and when you get that far there just is not much to do! Who knows, maybe I will just have to keep on wandering. So if your reading this buy my stuff dammit!

Sunrises are so pretty

In closing on this more than thoughtful and fulfilling blog post- ah who am I kidding, I wrote this cuz E.Geek messaged me haha. I  missed a few days of posting and he is threatening my life! I'm sure Hershey will be more than happy to lick him to death to protect me! Take that GEeK!! Well...I'm off for a nap....BUY MY STUFF!!

A musing.

So I've been wondering what to write about and nothing is really jumping out at me, so I think I am going to ramble a bit. Maybe touch on more about who I am or something, I don't know. I do know I just want to talk sometimes, but I always falter, especially in person. It's funny because I can make jokes, or just make an ass of myself for a laugh, but I could not hold a meaningful conversation for the life of me. When it becomes centered on me I lock up, and then the defense mechanism jumps in.

What's even more amusing is that there are a few stuck up uppity people in my family that think I just want to be the center of attention. Shows how much 90% of those clueless bastards know. Yeah, I'm shy. I don't think it's a bad thing, I mean I get much better if whoever is attempting to talk to me actually talks to me, not just at me. And something else odd, I love to listen when others talk. I would much rather be the ear you talk to for the sake of having someone to talk to. Then if your accepting, dispense whatever form of advice I can that pertains to your current situation.

Of course I can't give advice about every situation, but if you will have it, i will give you what I can. It's never much, and I will never expect someone to take my advice at face value, but I do hope that whatever little bit I hand out does help. Years ago when I first really started chatting online it was all I ever really did, people came to me just to talk, and I was OK with that. I will carry the weight of the world on my shoulders if it makes the world that much better. I encourage everyone to talk to me about anything, no matter what it is. I will accept your problems as my own and attempt to alleviate that burden from you.

I think the world would be much better if people would actually talk to each other. One song I enjoy by Pink Floyd is called Keep Talking. Give it a listen. Why won't you talk to me, you never talk to me. I love expressing feelings with songs too. Memories, everything about me can be figured out just by listening to the music I like. Baz Luhmans Sunscreen Song is how I feel every day. I dance, daily, I sing, I laugh, I live and I fail just like everyone else. I think the only person, place or thing I have never truly failed is Hershey.

She always makes me smile. Her happy, intelligent eyes just pierce into your soul. She knows how your feeling without a single word being spoken. She is always there for you, even when you don't want her haha. I've always wanted to rename her Shadow, some day she will understand what privacy when in the bathroom is lol, but I doubt it. I think it is like having a kid.

Picture Free, not pain free.

(this post is free of pretty pictures.....suck it up cupcake.)


Ugh. I hate selling things. Look guys, I'm not dropping my prices, at all. I may need money, but I'm not going to sell a 160-200 dollar keyboard for 25 damn dollars you vulture. If you can't offer me FAIR price, then don't offer me anything at all. I happen to like my computer and I'm in no hurry to part ways with it, you cheapskates. See, I NEVER bitch about prices, ever. I know what it's like to be in need, so I'm not going to try and low ball just because.

Anyway, thanks to those that are buying things fairly. Thanks to you guys I'm able to do things. If I can get these video cards and monitors sold I'll be good to go, hell I  may even end up with enough for some form of car that runs, though I'd like a decent looking car, not some heap. I could be happy then, I would have freedom. Not that I don't now, RBH has been awesome letting me use his car, and seriously you can't beat the level of kindness this man has shown a stranger like me.

All that said, I'm doing well. I'm irritated about some things, but I'm well. If I can get on at this gin and stay on, then I think I'll stick around here. If I can't stay on even after the season is done then I move on. It's funny how different lives go. I'm happy with what I have, I'm alive, I have the best friend anyone could ask for and that's all that really matters. I would love to  have more. I would love to be worry free for once in my life. Hit the lottery or something.

No, my happiness is so much more than money. Some say money don't buy happiness, well they are only part right. See, money helps, it helps a lot but money runs out, and then you find out who your true Friends are. I don't know what I want, peace of mind maybe. Quiet. Some form of knowing that no matter what day it is I can wake up and not have to worry about anything. Hershey helps me attain that happiness of course, but it's not always enough.